I have heard the languages of apocalypse

End of Time Post of RASSILON

2010-01-02T18:42:08Z

1. There is nothing you can say to convince me that that Time Lady wasn't Romana.

Well, no. You could convince me that she was Flavia. Particularly because then I could continue to pretend that Romana's still alive out there somewhere and waiting just around the corner. Though no guarantee that I won't continue to pretend that anyway.

2. OMG RASSILON YAY!

My brother, being more of a whore for spoilers than I am, apparently, found out who he was beforehand, and spent the first part of the episode throwing down hints. So when the Master decides, in his infinite wisdom, to try to take over the Time Lords again, my brother says, "Hah, you have no idea who you're dealing with there" and I glance at him and manage a excited "Rassilon!?" and oh, but yes.

More than makes up for Romana not being President (I've decided that he probably just usurped it) and the Time Lords being crazy evil instead of just lame (actually, that one makes up for itself), because yes, yes, yes, Rassilon would really be just that scary.

I wish I could remember the names of some of the scary Time Lord projects the Doctor mentioned going on at the end of the war, because some of them had really hot names.

3. Master RETCON

...was awesome and finally well done, I think. I was convinced that the drums were something that the Time Lords had done to him, because no way did Delgado!Master deal with shit like that. So now, what with the drums being sent back through time from an era dependent upon the Time War, I feel like everything pre-Simm was a drumless reality that was overwritten by Rassilon's nonsense. Possibilities on top of possibilities, which Time Lords excel at. If I ever get around to it, maybe I'll write more Masterfic about it. *ponders*

On a less Classic note, I love John Simm. So, so good.

And unbelievably shippy. There are no words. My brother and I just stared at each other and marveled about how much heavier it seemed even than Doctor/Rose. I'm not complaining, of course, but I'm surprised they didn't end up making out at least once.

4. HE WILL KNOCK FOUR TIMES.

I was actually wondering if it was Rassilon they were talking about, since he was technically the one "knocking" where the Master was concerned, but oh, Wilf. That was perfect. Such simplicity after all the mess.

5. JUST REGENERATE ALREADY, TEN.

Though I did like a lot of the final visits. Not sure what was going on with Martha and Mickey, and I'm definitely not sure that I like them being married (though I didn't care for Martha/Tom either, so at least this makes a bit of sense). I barely remember Alonso as a character, but yay for Jack being pushed to move on just a little bit. And yay for space cantinas. Loved the Donna scene, and I have to say that even though she's my favourite New Who companion and her amnesia was heartbreaking, I'm glad it remained intact. Because a quick fix there would have cheapened everything. So glad for the Human Nature shout out, though I'm saddened that he didn't visit Reinette and River as well (because why not just squeeze a couple more visits in the time it takes to die of radiation poisoning!). The Rose visit made me particularly happy because apparently I have a soft spot for Nine and even Nine/Rose (not to mention Nine/Rose/Jack), and the "see you later" was a perfect full circle. <3

6. WANT MOAR ELEVEN NOW PLZ!

Can it be Thursday already?

2009-09-26T18:12:05Z

So I loved... well, not exactly every moment of this episode, but it was close. Most of all, I think I love the fact that at this point, we can't really tell whether the big bad's going to be Lucifer... or Michael. I'm still hoping that Michael is going to be awesome, because it's Michael and I am a hopeless fangirl, but I could so easily see everyone turn around and team up with Lucy later, so IDK.

Okay, so let's start by doing this by character, I suppose.

Cas (and Dean): So frakking sincere and literal, it's adorable. Loved him replacing Sam in Dean's ~~life~~ schemes, though I suspect that Dean will have second thoughts next time, because the angel just doesn't know how to lie. Or be remotely competent at anything but smoting. Wait, no... he's not competent at smoting either.

I almost regret having already seen the clip of where Dean decides to go get him laid, because I'd have died laughing then (just as I did a few days ago when I did see it). Cas' attitude towards sex there (cautious but somewhat defensive terror) and his attitude in the actual brothel (fullout DEN OF INIQUITY) don't feel exactly the same, but there's a world of difference between "meaningful" sex and prostitution, and Dean totally should have known better than to take him to a frakking whorehouse. XD Baby steps, darling. Baby steps.

As entertaining as that entire scene was, it did make me more than a bit uncomfortable, because coercive sex is not okay, and Dean was doing just about everything except literally twisting his arm. Still, an angel's still an angel and it didn't work out (Cas llkes his broken people, doesn't he?), so I am okay with it. And Dean finally enjoying himself again... man, those two are so good for each other (except when they're not).

Sam: Okay, so that felt superfluous. I like Sam, but his methods of self-reflection kind of suck. Go off to the Himilayas or something, Be like Dr. Franklin from B5 and have yourself a walkabout. Though Lucy made it worthwhile.

Raphael: Seemed perfect. None of Zachariah's false humanity (which was awesome there, but wouldn't have been here), here we've got just pure, unadulterated archangel. The power, the wrath, the utter alienness. I'm still hoping for more from Michael, just considering who Michael is, but that felt like an archangel. Also, thank you for the Nietzsche quote.

Lucifer: I love you more everyday. There are no words. Raphael had better damn well be right about you raising Castiel, because hell, yes. I had been expecting that Lucifer's vessel would end up being Sam, since preparing a host for Lucifer seemed much more plausible a goal for Azazel than just getting someone with the power to kill Lilith, so I'm glad to find that it's true. I would be so amused if Lucifer and Michael do take over the brothers at some point, because... that's the only thing that will ever bring me anywhere in the ballpark of shipping Wincest. XDDD My OTPs that carry over from other fandoms, let me show you them.

Lucy, I love how calm and borderline passive, and yet how damned certain you are. It works so very, very well.

And the last few minutes...

I might not like season 1, but I love the parallels here between it and s5. The theme of the son searching for the father has revived, taking a turn for the truly Biblical, and I feel like in the end, it's really the same thing. I like the blind faith Dean started to show at the end... he might not believe in God, but he's already deified the concept of the missing father, so when Cas' quest is rephrased in a way that he can truly, truly understand (lost son searching for the father everyone else believes to be dead), it's more than that he's willing to put aside his cynicism for a moment. His atheism just doesn't matter, because a missing father simply must be found, and failure isn't an option.

Also, I am looking forward to next week way too much. Oh, Castiel.

Harry Potter - DH and the Nurmengard scene

2009-08-05T19:06:17Z

So I have, as we all know, been on a Harry Potter kick ever since I watched the Half Blood Prince, once again fascinated by all things Dumbledore/Grindelwald as I try to decide whether or not it was reciprocated. I’ve come to one conclusion that I wanted to share, because I haven’t seen it before (not that I’m particularly attentive!) and I think it sheds some light the Nurmengard scene:

I’ve come to believe that there is very little in the scene, as written, that indicates that Grindelwald was truly trying to protect Dumbledore (or the Elder Wand) by lying, per se, and if you read the scene somewhat differently, I do think that there’s another possibility that makes a great deal more sense.

I’ve reached this interpretation because of two key observations:

1. That was the worst bluff I’ve ever had the misfortune of coming across, not at all worthy of a Dark Lord, and
2. There is really no evidence to support the theory that Grindelwald knew that Dumbledore was dead, other than the fact that Harry simply assumes that he did.

I always see people discuss that lie to Voldemort, and I’m not sure it should be given such significance, because it is, as bluffs go, pretty terrible. In fact, it strikes me as so bad that I wonder if he even intended for it to be believed. One could argue that 50 years of solitude have left Grindelwald too mad to be able to lie effectively, but I find it hard to believe that an intellect such as his would decay entirely, and if he’s truly been expecting Voldemort for years, he’s had time to consider a better bluff. He could’ve feigned ignorance of the entire affair, or claimed to have already lost the wand before the duel with Dumbledore – indeed, he could have said that Dumbledore had only been able to defeat him because he had already lost the Elder Wand. I daresay such a lie would’ve been more likely to protect Dumbledore’s tomb.

Instead, he immediately acknowledges Voldemort’s reasons for coming. This is pretty much analogous to the infamous “I didn’t do it!” defence; nothing says, “I had it” like insisting, even before you’ve been asked, that you never did. When accused of lying, he never denies it, at least not from the fragments of the scene that were given. And then with his very last words – “That wand will never, ever be yours” – he reaffirms not only Voldemort’s suspicion that he “had it,” but also acknowledges exactly what “it” is.

From this, I would argue that the lie itself that could not have been overly important to Grindelwald. It is, obviously, important to him that Voldemort never gets his hands on the wand, but not that he never finds it. I suspect that Grindelwald would have recognized – would have remembered – that nothing would stop a Dark wizard of that calibre from finding the wand, given enough time.

Now, what Grindelwald does very effectively, on the other hand, is goad Voldemort into killing him. He asks for death twice; he only lies about the wand once. He laughs scornfully. He tells Voldemort that he cannot win. He practically calls him an idiot to his face. Any one of these things (or none of them at all, obviously) would have been enough to make Voldemort kill someone; all of them together practically guarantee success. I think, therefore, that it’s fairly safe to say that Grindelwald’s main goal here was not to keep Voldemort away from the Elder Wand, but rather to bring about his own death. The only question is, why?

Oh, you could claim that it was suicide, that he was tired of life imprisonment. I say he had 50 years in which to kill himself if that were the case, and he was much too invested in the idea of Voldemort failing for it to have been inconsequential. If nothing else, I suspect that he was still proud enough to want his death to count for something.

And this is where I come to my second point: there’s really no evidence that he had been informed of Dumbledore’s death, other than the testimony of Harry, who honestly can’t be considered a reliable source on this particular subject. It’s completely possible that the thought of Dumbledore – the only person he is known to have seen as an equal – being defeated had never occurred to him. Yes, it’s true that Grindelwald had some knowledge of current events, what with recognizing Voldemort, but it’s completely possible that even that information was 20 years old. There is, on the other hand, every indication that he had been left more or less to starve, and I doubt that a custodian who can’t be bothered to feed a prisoner would be overly interested in sharing news— especially news of the sort that should, theoretically, please said prisoner.

So what do we have here? Grindelwald quite possibly believes that Dumbledore is still alive, likely recognizes that Voldemort will inevitably discover that Dumbledore possesses the Elder Wand and thus assault him, and ultimately puts more effort into his own sacrificial death than a convincing lie.

You can likely guess where I’m going with this.

Old magic, bound in love and sacrifice. The sort that Voldemort cannot understand, but Grindelwald, who as a Quester is much more versed in ancient magic, obviously can. It’s foolish to hold that being dark is incompatible with this sort of love – we certainly saw it with the Malfoy family. I’d say that Voldemort is likely a special case. Grindelwald even comes out and says it – “There is so much you do not understand” – echoing the words Dumbledore himself has said at least twice concerning this particular piece of old magic. Once in Philosopher’s Stone – “If there is one thing Voldemort cannot understand, it is love” – and again in Deathly Hallows at Kings Cross: “If he could only have understood the precise and terrible power of that sacrifice, he would not, perhaps, have dared to touch your blood….”

Considering how interconnected these two are idealistically and intellectually, I think it’s fair to take that parallel to its ultimate point and conclude that Grindelwald was likely referring here not only to the Hallows, but again to the nature of old magic itself.

Remember, immediately before his death, he implies not simply that Voldemort will never find or obtain the wand, but also that he “will not win… [he] cannot win!” The usage of the verb “win” implies not simply that Voldemort will never discover the Elder Wand, but rather that even if he does, he will be physically incapable of defeating him who owns it.

By being murdered in such a manner, by willingly giving his life, Grindelwald would have given to Dumbledore foolproof protection against Voldemort, were he still alive to benefit from it. A far more powerful protection than an easily detected lie. I think all of the evidence lies in the way this passage was written, in the very wording, which implies not that Grindelwald lied to protect Dumbledore – as we’re later lead to believe – but that he died to protect him.

The Problem of Ancalimë

2009-06-30T19:33:13Z

My brother and I have been spending the past few days re-watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Which is an interesting experience in and of itself, surprisingly lacking in recriminations against Peter Jackson (excepting the elves at HD scene, which was totally unacceptable, especially when the sons of Elrond and the Dunedain could have easily been used for the same role and been far less thematically damaging), constant digressions about how frakking awesome Galadriel was (House of Finwë FTFW), giddy fangirlism of Glorfindel, an impromptu romp through the HoMe series, and finally, sad nostalgia during every battle scene considering how much more epic everything in the First Age must’ve been. And yes, every ridiculous stunt Legolas pulls in the movie just goes to show how much more awe-inspiring Maedhros et al had to have been.

Anyway. This re-watching made me remember just how influential a fandom everything Tolkien related had been to me, and left me rethinking some of the conclusions I had come to concerning it. So what follows is, in short, a look at the gender issues involved in parts of the story (especially where the Eldar are decidedly not consistent), what exactly is going on with the Númenorean Kings (yes, this is me discussing – and perhaps appreciating even above the Noldor – the Edain; shocking, but true), and recasting my opinion of Lúthien Tinúviel in light of some of what is written in the tale of Aldarion and Erendis.

I’ll start with Arwen, because as often is the case, she’s where my feminist digressions begin. For those of you with whom I haven’t discussed Tolkien for about half a dozen years, I’ll explain my problems with her, with the comparison between her and Luthien, and with the discrepancies between book and movieverse!Arwen. The final point is probably where I most differ from other purists. ~~Though I probably don’t even begin to qualify as a purist, shut up.~~

When I first read the book, I missed Arwen. Literally. When she shows up at the end to marry Aragorn, I’m wondering where the frak this relationship came from, because I sure as hell didn’t see it. Some of that is probably my old high school inattentiveness, but still, her complete passiveness in the book really bothers me.

Thematically, I understand it. The Eldar are leaving Middle-earth; they are intentionally portrayed as no longer having much of any agency outside of giving counsel; Legolas was therefore the least effective of the Walkers, etc. So it follows that Arwen sit out the war – the feminine passive, as opposed to Eówyn’s feminine active like whoa – with the rest of her people, since she herself is still an Elf. Sort of.

Still, I don’t like it. At all. I don’t like it because of the constant favourable comparison between Arwen and Luthien. Arwen is not Luthien. Arwen is nothing like Luthien. Luthien would never have simply stood aside while Beren strove to prove himself to Thingol. Luthien was agency incarnate… she forged her own destiny, challenged every rule, every law, every source of authority, every step of the way. She made Mandos listen to her; she made Morgoth listen to her. She almost single-handedly succeeded where every Eldarin man had failed. (Yes, Beren gets credit as well, but the point is that he here occupies the supportive, secondary role more commonly associated with the heroine. Role reversal FTW.)

It is this, and not her beauty or her ultimate fate, that makes Luthien such a compelling character, I believe.

Arwen is… not Luthien. Not unless we are truly expected to believe that the most important thing about Luthien, the one thing that needs to be reproduced to be able to make that comparison, is the beauty and perhaps a sort of quiet courage.

So for this reason, I actually prefer movie!Arwen (in FotR, at least), who despite all problems in the character, actually has a character, and one that one might begin to compare to Luthien.

So I turn from this character to Galadriel ~~High Queen of the Noldor~~ of Lothlorién, who, in her uncanny, ambitious, and wise beyond words glory, is probably my… fifth? favourite character in the Ardaverse.

And now, looking at this character, I start having serious issues with Tolkien.

Morgoth’s Ring. Laws and Customs of the Eldar. I’m not going to do direct quotes, because all I had with me at the moment is UT, which is where I ultimately want to end up with this post, but. But. The Eldar, male and female, are supposed be roughly equal in all things – granted, males favour some activities, and females other, but they are stressed to be valued equally. Why, therefore, the obvious patriarchy?

House of Finwë.

In versions where Gil-Galad is the son of Fingon, I can accept the way in which the High Kingship is passed down, minus the bit of weirdness of Turgon taking the throne for a bit. However, where Gil-Galad is Orodreth’s son, I cease to understand. Fingon leaves no heir; why does the High Kingship not pass to Idril’s descendents (unless the human blood is a problem), and thus remain within the House of Fingolfin, rather than skipping to the House of Finarfin? In any event, why the hell doesn’t Galadriel get the crown after Gil-Galad’s death, seeing as how she is every bit as much a member of the House of Finwë as any of her uncles, cousins, or brothers, and likely a more capable leader than all but… two? three? of them (Finrod certainly, I'd argue Maedhros, possibly Turgon, and I laugh at just about all of the others).

It bothers me, particularly because Tolkien comes right out and tries to claim that gender equality is a given among the Eldar.

Thinking on this always makes me think more favourably of Númenor, so I went back the other day to check out everything available on the Numenorean Queens – all two and a half of them – and rediscovered a couple characters I’d overlooked.

Tar-Ancalimë FTFW.

Actually, to be honest, she’s kind of scary. She’s kind of incredibly scary, and I still haven’t decided exactly what to make of it. Ancalimë, first Queen of Númenor, is presented as a child of a broken marriage who, through her own contrariness, manages to undo a lot of the work her father had done. I love the touch of feminist critique that Tolkien brings to his own works concerning Erendis and Ancalimë, but there are elements in it that are extremely disturbing.

My biggest criticism of the Silmarillion (wives of the sons of Fëanor, where, much less who, are you?), voiced by Erendis, and thus Tolkien:

“Thus it is, Ancalimë, and we cannot alter it. For men fashioned Númenor: men, those heroes of old that they sing of – of their women, we hear less, save that they wept when their men were slain” (UT 207). She says more, of course, but this is what jumped out at me most, not simply because it’s so true, but because it has made me recast my criticism of Luthien Tinuviel. But more on that later.

Why is this troubling to me? Because right here is as honest, painful a criticism as can be made, and I look at the characters who are making it, and I wonder exactly what is intended to be read from this. Erendis and Ancalimë are both powerful women deeply – fatally, in Erendis’ case, and in more ways than one – wounded by the patriarchal society in which they live. A patriarchy so pervasive that the original rule concerning women inheriting the sceptre was that if they did not marry by a certain time, they would have to step down. And they don’t overcome it. At all. Erendis self-destructs, and Ancalimë, now distrustful of all men because of her mother's influence, strikes out at everyone around her, going so far as to deny her women and then her granddaughters the right to marry. Pursuing her own incredibly dysfunctional marriage, seemingly out of spite.

So there you have it – the old stereotype of the raging misandrist feminist who is more an object of scorn than anything else. Am I supposed to be sympathizing with such a character (I do regardless, obviously, as I do with the House of Fëanor), and in the midst of such rabid hatred, how now might one interpret Erendis’ criticism of the stories of the heroes of old? Is it meant to be just another example, like so much else in the story, of a woman blinded by hatred and rather insane, or… a legitimate criticism?

It is a legitimate criticism, nonetheless; I’m simply not certain that Tolkien himself intended it is much, and it does seem somewhat problematic that it would be brought up in such an ambiguous light.

Oddly enough, I’d never actually taken this criticism into account when I tried to decide how I felt about Lúthien (as it is, I vacillate without warning between adoration and rage). On one hand, all of the old fairytale tropes are shattered in her story. The Princess rescues the Hero from the Monster, first and foremost. The Hero then attempts to dissuade her from his Quest, and fails. Quite miserably. Under her power more than anything else, they then manage to accomplish more than any Elvish male ever has before ~~well, Maedhros managed to get into Angband, but I don’t think that counts~~, and then the ultimate choice falls to her and her alone: Valinor or mortality.

(To be completely honest, yes, there is a large degree of idealization going on in the character, but this is an epic mythology of a higher age. She is no more idolized than any of the Noldorin Kings, and considering her self-destructive obsessive tendencies, hardly more perfect than some of them.)

On the other hand, here we have the most powerful living weapon the Eldar have, and she sits out of the entirety of the First Age until one mortal man arrives, and then, as if her agency is tied entirely to his being, she becomes active. And then, after he fades from the story, she does as well, as if the only thing that ever mattered with the character was how she related to her spouse.

This is a flaw. This is an enormous flaw, but one of the story, not the character, I’ve come to decide.

From an in story perspective (from an out of story one, the culprit is clearly the gender problems of the time period and the teachings of the Catholic Church), this is… exactly what Erendis says it is. It is story told by men, recounted, possibly orally, over generations by Eldarin and then mortal men, because women are by and large not the tellers of tales. Even among the Noldor, the women love histories, as is told in L&C, but it is the men who are the chief poets, and thus it is their stories that get passed down and then subtly perverted by mortals.

I’m uncertain as to why I never before considered the absence of a voice and inability to tell one’s own tale in Lúthien’s case, since I’ve attributed it to the Fëanorian legacy many times (those who have survived to tell the tale are largely those who would have no incentive to be remotely sympathetic to the circumstances of the House of Fëanor, considering which… his eldest sons come off surprisingly well), and thus wondered just what was left out in the retelling.

In Lúthien’s case, everything apart from her tragedy, I would imagine, which does not necessarily mean that she was sitting idly in Doriath, awaiting her Destiny, but that, as Erendis says, “of their women we hear less, save that they wept when their men were slain.”

TL;DR: Lúthien’s hard-core awesome and I’ve finally decided I love her, though the Fëanorions (and Finarfinions and Finarfiniel) still come first.

Battlestar owns a share of my soul

2009-03-24T19:58:59Z

Battlestar, because you were brilliant and superb, and I shall miss you, though I hope that sci-fi as a genre will mutate into something wondrous under your influence.

Oh, where to start. I suppose… at the beginning. Of everything.

It sounds like such a terrible idea, when you think about it… humanity is almost completely wiped out, and yet so many people are willing to sacrifice themselves to save one child, saviour of the human and cylon races or not. And yet… it is so perfectly Battlestar. This is a series whose mission statement is, above all else, “it is simply enough to survive, or must we be worthy of it?” And they’ve addressed it again and again, for better or for worse, and now, at the end of things, one final time, because a humanity that is willing to risk so much for one single life is worth it. (Yes, indeed, I despise moralities that put the lives of several over the lives of few, reducing existence to a damn numbers game.) And so it needed to be their final mission.

I am so glad for his character that Baltar chose to join in on the suicide mission. So glad that despite everything, Lee respected him for it. It wasn’t absolution or anything close… wasn’t a complete character change, because in the very next scene he regretted it, and of course he would! But it was atonement all the same, and something the character really needed. And I suppose I’m okay with Caprica seemingly needing nothing more than that, because if pride was the only thing missing, then that was enough. And with angels in the background, drawing them together, I don’t think either would ever have the strength to refuse. Baltar coming full circle at the end – returning where he began, to the farm – was beautiful and horrifying, and I wonder how he’ll be able to cope with it, because that’s certainly not a happily ever after, even if he does truly love Six (and the way that makes his entire story tragic in a way that it wasn’t before, that he did everything for love instead of for greed… oh, Baltar.)

The opera house scene… magnificent. Hearing The Shape of Things to Come being played again, new and yet the same, was literally rapturous. I loved the distinction between the pristine beauty of the vision of what was to come and the absolute horror of the reality. I loved how absolutely infinitesimal this one act was… they weren’t taking Hera away or performing any function any of the others couldn’t have. And it’s not like the others didn’t come in afterwards anyway, so for the entire great plan of the angels to come down to this one simple moment, this one instant that seems hardly to be a turning point at all… that’s really kind of beautiful. It’s as if they were getting them to that single place, that one point at which all of the choices had to be made… and nothing more.

I loved Baltar’s speech. I loved that he – the worst of humanity and the unredeemed preacher of redemption – was the one to deliver it. At first I wasn’t sure about the lack of explanation concerning the angels, but now I think that it couldn’t have happened any other way. I’m so relieved that they went with a god who is beyond good and evil (oh, hey there, Nietzsche) rather than your typical omni-benevolent deity. There was no attempt at justifying all of the terrible things that these creatures have been doing… there’s no need, because they aren’t human, and thus can’t be understood. And yet… I don’t even think the show was necessarily trying to make a point about morality with this, because it’s still Baltar. It’s still the man for whom truth is that which paints him in the best light, and at this point, of course he needs a morality that is beyond good and evil.

Leap of Faith. Well, Leap to Faith, technically, if you want to get fully Kierkegaardian about it, but in the end, it’s the same thing. You either believe or you don’t, and there are no halfway points in between. Religion of this sort, in the end, has nothing to do with human (or cylon) ethics, because they are two different spheres entirely. I love that this speech was directed at Cavil, our resident atheist (practically nihilist, I suppose), and I am so glad that the compromise went sour, partly because it was intolerable that Tori could simply get off the hook completely with what she had done, and that needed to be addressed, and it would have been too easy a conclusion for a tragedy, for a story that has always hurt this badly.

I think that there’s something profound in Cavil’s suicide. I’m not sure what exactly, but I believe that it’s there. Or could be. Maybe it’s the absurdist atheist saying “enough” and choosing to end things on his own terms. I don’t know.

Kara finding a new earth was beautiful; I love how the song ties everything together and yet remains a mystery (and how it’s playing at the very end, yay for everything repeats itself). Now I want to watch Maelstrom again, because of head!Leoben’s “become what you are” comments. Actually, I kind of want to rewatch all of the Kara/Leoben scenes again, because now that we know everything we’re going to, the obsession and bizarre knowledge in the Leoben character strikes me even more. I wonder if her own guiding angel was the same thing that Baltar and Six’s were, and if perhaps she herself is as well. I liked the polyamory that was implied in the character… Kara/Sam is as canon as Kara/Lee, because she’s never been a one true love sort of person.

On earth itself… I had half been expecting them to never find a planet, but to finally reach one, one they hadn’t even been looking for at all, and to call it Earth even though it wasn’t… there’s something profound there, I think. Something beautiful, something sad, something that could be interpreted as a blessing or as the only way to respond to a horrific journey that has never made any sense. Perhaps it’s simply a way to say, “We make our own truth.” We needed Earth and so we’ll pretend we have it, and in the end, maybe that’s enough. Maybe that’s all there is.

And I liked the last 90 or so seconds, the affirmation that yes, everything does continue. Everything does return. You can break the cycle for an instant in time, but in the end, you are doomed to repeat, forever. And they’re still there, watching (and placing bets!), because maybe this is all there is for them as well.

A Pair of Teal Deers

2009-01-17T18:14:57Z

I am alive! Okay, so I’ve been stuck on dial-up for the last two weeks, which sucks (mostly because I really wanted to stream Doctor Who episodes), got sick a week ago (am better now!), and spent way too much of the intervening time playing Oblivion, now that my brother actually has a computer that will run it.

Battlestar last night!!! Honestly, I don’t think I’m used to watching this program with commercials, because the way they killed the absolute intensity was upsetting. Still, vintage Battlestar is vintage Battlestar, and I adored every moment of it.

The cinematography… the way the scenes on Earth were so beautifully (disturbingly) washed out… gorgeous. I’m so glad I’ve become such a Kara/Leoben shipper (even if this episode felt like the death knell of the pairing), because their scenes were so great, and I’ve never fully appreciated her before. I really don’t have much to say about their discovery, other than “how awesome” and “how like this show,” but the way Leoben said, “I was wrong about everything,” and then Roslin repeated the same exact thing in practically the next scene was really telling. Especially since they represent, for all intents and purposes, the religious aspects of their respective races. ~~Baltar doesn’t count.~~

Lee’s spin on the situation was… actually, the complete and absolute truth, I think. I’m so glad he said that. I’m so glad he now has the wisdom to recognize that, even if perhaps he isn’t quite ready to believe it. Because they have been living their lives fully in accordance (enslaved, as he said) to the prophecies, unwilling to move one step out of line with them (as the resistance to Baltar’s plan proved – a plan that, despite how things turned out, was still probably the best thing they could have done at the time). And now that time is over and they can no longer hide from the fact that the choice is ultimately theirs. Oh, Sartre!

I’ve seen shades of existentialism in this story before (Kara’s death was portrayed in a strikingly Heideggerian light, for example), but nothing like what showed up in this episode, in Lee’s realization and then, even more so, in the extreme and clear scenes of absurdism that followed. Because this episode displayed the central ideas of that philosophy every bit as well, if not better, than Whedon, self admitted absurdist that he is, ever has. Yessss, I have never been happier with this show.

For those of you who don’t know and would like to, absurdism, put forth by Camus, is the brand of existentialism that deals with the question of suicide. In a world that is ultimately without objective meaning (as most existentialists claim), that doesn’t care and can’t care and offers no answers, there are three responses that humans might make. The first is to stubbornly believe in something – to create something to give your life meaning and to hold to it despite the inherent lie in the approach. (The religious answer.) The second is suicide, literal or figurative. To surrender, to give up, to give in. And the third, the reaction that Camus suggests, is to accept this truth about the world and to continue on despite it.

If you’ve ever seen Buffy or especially Angel, the constant and never-ending apocalypses, the fact that they never can truly win but continue to fight nonetheless… that’s absurdism. And Battlestar last night, it was all this and more.

Because up until now, they’ve been taking the first approach. They’ve been living entirely on the unfounded belief that one day they will find Earth, and then everything will be all right. Redeemed. But now… now this is stripped away, and the second response comes up. Literally, in Duala’s case (and I’m so glad they had the nerve to do that). And in D’anna’s case as well, for the moment (and her explanation of the mentality was so a perfect). Figuratively, in Tigh’s story about the foxes. Wonderful. <3

I love this show so much.

Duala… I’m wondering why, of course. And if we’ll ever truly know. My brother theorizes that it’s because she realized that this was the happiest she’d ever be again, and… wanted to end on a high note. And considering that she had to realize what reality she would be returning to once the high wore off… perhaps it makes sense. We also wonder if whatever has been talking to Baltar, Six, Roslin, Kara, and whoever else had gotten into her head for once. Because that singing was kind of creepy.

So glad that the Fifth turned out (or so we’re led to believe) to be Ellen, because I’d been hoping that it was someone who died on New Caprica. Poor Saul, though. D:

A PLANET OF CYLONS. Though now I’m wondering if perhaps everything isn’t switched around. If these Cylons from 2000 years ago aren’t the true humans and the peoples of the colonies, something different. Bioengineered, perhaps. Because I think that the thirteenth colony is truly the first, and the twelve… well. Of course, given the “everything repeats itself” motif, they could truly have been Cylons as well. We’ll see!

I also finally read Twilight the other day. The entire first book! I somehow managed to refrain from hurling it against the wall somewhere in the middle, read on a bit further, and then Alice and Jasper tricked me into thinking that maybe they were going to be interesting.

This is a strange thing to read, honestly. It was both not as bad as I was expecting and yet much, much worse. And I wasn’t even quite sure how to read it, because of the first person and the incredibly weak way in which Bella was set up. Because had it been handled with maturity, it could’ve been an interesting glimpse into the mindset of a highly self-destructive person. And then, had it been more honestly dark… had it embraced the fact that what was going on here was disturbing in the extreme… well, it might have actually been good.

Instead, it failed on just about every level. The writing was mediocre until Edward became involved, at which point it dropped to abysmal. And I didn’t think it could get any worse, but then she described the sun as a “setting orb.” I almost wish I had bought the book so that I could have taken a pen and crossed half of it out.

The plot was mediocre. The themes were dreadful. The characters were terrible. Twilight was practically the Platonic form of bad writing. Which, I suppose, is an accomplishment in and of itself.

Bella, because I’d like to rant. I’m not sure what she was trying to do here. She spends the first half of the story convinced that she can’t do anything right. That she fails at just about everything. That she’s worthless in every possible way. And Edward does nothing but reinforce this mindset (no, little girl, I don’t dare leave you alone or you’ll get yourself killed!) Bella takes teenage angst to the extreme, is incredibly immature and shallow, and then Meyer seems to try to show that she’s actually… I don’t know, mature? Of course, she does this at first by portraying her mother as a complete basket case so that Bella looks strong and responsible in contrast. And then she demonizes all the kids at school… she turns Jessica into your stereotypical backstabbing, gossipy, shallow teenage girl. Everyone else is two-dimensional as well, but Jessica stands out the most for me here.

The Edward worship was horrendous… especially because the focus on Bella’s extreme negativity and lack of self-confidence seemed to shift. Instead of being a sign of her emotional problems – and “you fascinate me because the first time I met you, you seem to absolutely despise me…?” Yeah, there’s a problem there – Edward becomes some sort of positive figure in her life. I think. I’m not sure how “I’m going to lie to everyone I know and tell them that I’m not with you, so that if you lose control and kill me, you’ll get away with it” is romantic at any level (this is when I almost hurled it against the wall). No… it’s a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship, and is horrifying in just about every possible way. I’ve seen relationships like this (though not to this extent, of course), and they’re not pretty in any way, shape, or form.

My favourite moment is when Bella shows that she’s “smart” by writing about misogyny in Shakespeare’s work. Amusingly ironic, considering how highly misogynistic Twilight is.

Alice and Jasper could have been interesting. Probably Laurent as well, if he’d been in it more, though that may just be because he reminded me of Anne Rice vampires. >_> But the other two… precognition and charismatic manipulation? Yeah, those are hot abilities. Alice was like a failed attempt at Drusilla, and I’m hoping she gets better (as in, grows her own third dimension) later, though someone else is going to have to tell me. XD And Jasper… now there’s a power that needs a bit of moral ambiguity to work well. Or he could have even just been a bit more enigmatic. But… no such luck, and characters that would have been awesome in just about any other mediocre work simply fell flat.

If anyone has or knows of any fanfic of Alice, Jasper, and/or Laurent (Jasper/Laurent, what?), please link me. :D

Yuletide Reveal, meme, blah blah blah

2009-01-02T01:49:00Z

I LOVE CHILDREN STORIES.

I am... not quite sure why I didn't notice this before, but I've finally started reading The Neverending Story, and there's just something appealing about the way it's written that I don't normally come across in adult stories. I'm also thinking about Ursula Leguin's Earthsea series here, because I think that's another one where the style is beautiful and simplicity shines out more effectively for me than any convoluted plot in your normal novel. Then again, something like the Lord of the Rings, with language so suited to being read aloud, strikes me in the same way, so maybe the key isn't so much the target audience after all. Maybe it's the nostalgia.

The only adult novel I've read recently that I've found so effective is Patrick Rothfuss' Name of the Wind (which I do recommend to everyone), which peace so much attention to language and really is such a brilliant piece of meta-literature, since it's more an exploration of what a hero actually is than anything else.

ANYWAY, Yuletide reveal. Probably pointless, since I don't feel like unflocking this till May, but I wrote A Questionable Pursuit for trillianastra and then A Burden No More for antumbral. Both in the Sandman fandom, because I am lame like that.(Actually, partly because my hard drive ate every Yuletide letter I had saved, and antumbral's had been the only one where I had remembered the username since her fandoms named were that awesome.) The first one is a glimpse of the Lucifer/Mazikeen relationship through the lens of the horribly failed Dream/Nada romance. Because Lucifer and Morpheus are often so similar for being, ultimately, utterly different. And Mazikeen's and Nada's "I will not leave" versus "I will not stay" intrigues. There's a touch of pseudo-Nietzschean affirmation of life in some of Lucifer's final remarks here, because in that character there's a strong element of accepting his mistakes but never taking them back. And I may be channeling Mike Carey's Lucifer here a bit as well, because mmmmm. <3

The second... the second is a short piece where I was kind of working with the use of the second person the way it appears in the first couple of chapters of The Wake (where it actually is you, sort of), in a scene analogous to The Sound of Her Wings, except now with Daniel instead of Morpheus. And I normally don't call him Daniel (since I take him at his word when he says he has no other name), but I don't want to spoil anyone who hasn't yet read everything. ^_^

Aaaaand, a year ending meme stolen from tunasaladsonnet:

For all the writers out there: go through your writing account (whatever you use)
1. Pick ten of your fav! fictions you've ~~ever written~~ written this year. Name why.
2. List them in order from oldest to newest--10 being oldest, one being newest.
3. Actually read the fic. Have you changed much as a writer? - Explain things you lol'd about and such.
4. ~~Tag three other people to do this meme.~~

I seem to like my het stories more than my slash ones. Hm. Maybe it's just the female characters.

X. Façade (21 June) Naruto. SLASH. Kisame x Itachi, PG-13

This was written for kallie_starmist; the fandom is... not exactly close to my heart, but the character of Itachi has always intrigued me. This was written post-revelations, and I was trying to deal with some of the criticisms of the character I'd heard on certain sites. Namely, that if you've committed the sorts of crimes that Itachi has, no amount of a weepy backstory is going to turn you into anything more than a villain. Of course, I also enjoy playing with illusionists and the realities they create. <3

Quote: He stands in the centre of a sea of crushed flowers, nightmare eyes focused on a reality only he can see. His arms hang limply at his sides, pale fingers brushing lightly against the material of his dark cloak. Hidden within its folds, he seems fragile, painfully small, almost insubstantial, as if the gentlest gust of wind could blow away any trace of his existence.

Heaving Samehada over his shoulder, Kisame watches his partner for a long moment, wondering where reality ends and illusion begins. This is their first mission together, and Kisame is suddenly certain that it will be their last. It is not uncommon for fresh recruits to collapse, underestimating the horror of the missions they will be asked to undertake. Still, Kisame is surprised; given the history of his new partner, he would have expected someone more imperturbable.

IX. Full of Sound and Fury (30 July) Golden Sun. HET. Alex x Jenna. PG

This was actually the fandom that got me writing fanfic years ago. I have always loved the character of Alex -- the smooth, mysterious, megalomaniacal water user who never, ever get his hands dirty. And this is a pairing that has always appealed to me, so when the scene kind of jumped into my head fully conceived, well... it was more an exercise in imagery than anything else. This was also in my "let's abuse adverbs!" period, which... sort of works for this piece but makes me cringe anyway. XD

Quote: “Is that what this is about?” she asks, finding that her anger has mostly bled away. “You left us because you wanted…” she shakes her head, still not quite certain of how this fits together.

“Everything,” he replies with a quiet intensity that Jenna finds vaguely disturbing.

Fighting down a shiver, she comments sharply, “I doubt you even know what everything is.”

“No,” Alex admits easily, and Jenna is surprised by his sudden honesty. “But I plan to live long enough to find out.”

VIII. Mea Culpa (18 August) Bleach. HET. Yoruichi x Urahara. PG/PG-13

I wrote this for kawree after spending most of my time working on slash, so it was in part a return to writing het. I'd been thinking about some of the problems a couple of people (you know who you are!) have with het, and my own issues with heteronormativity, so it was very important for me to make Yoruichi the strong, supportive character here while, at the same time, being careful with all the layers that make Urahara who he is.

Quote: “None of it was your fault.”

“I know,” Kisuke replies, though he keeps his eyes carefully averted.

“There is a difference between knowing and believing,” Yoruichi points out sharply.

“There is,” he agrees easily, smiling slightly as he finally turns to look at her, “but jumping from one to the other isn’t really a matter of choice. And I was there.”

VII. Liberi Mortis (4 Sept) Kingdom Hearts, Sandman. GEN. Death, Zexion. PG-13

My first serious (sort of) excursion into the Sandman universe, and something that utterly destroyed me. Dealing with favourite character death is something that I should be rather accustomed to by now, but writing Death herself is always... just an emotional experience. I had been intending to write one of these for a very long time, and had been so fixated on Zexion that it finally happened. I think in part what I was working with here was some of the metaphysical possibilities that are involved with the Nobodies, and even if it never quite matched what was in my head while working on it, I should probably still mention it.

Quote: Death smiles again, and the expression holds the sorrow, sympathy, and understanding that he has never before received. “Everything comes to me in the end, but that doesn’t mean that they were never meant to live,” she says quietly, and holds out a single pale hand. “Are you ready?”

VI. Deus Ex Machina (10 Oct) Heroes. GEN. Adam, Hiro. PG-13

Oh, Heroes fandom. Adam was my big muse after Zexion left me, and this... this was kind of the embodiment of everything (well, not quite, since I spent way too much time working out this character even before I was into fandom) I thought of Adam, his goals, his methods, his humanity, and his lack thereof. And yes, it is a bit of a vindication, because I think the show wrote a very complex character off as simply "evil."

Quote: Adam smiles, and it is bitter but resigned, as if he has long since come to terms with what the future must look like. “There is no right, Hiro. There is no wrong. Those rules are for a time that is now gone. For feudal Japan. For Victorian England.” He laughs, and the sound is sharp, and desperate, and more than a little insane. “Perhaps Peter will have succeeded in creating a better future, but we are living in an era of gods, carp, and nobody is willing to take responsibility.”

V. Learning Curve (20 Oct) Heroes. HET. Adam x Claire. PG-13/R

Oh, hey, look... more Heroes. The sad thing is, there were so many other ways I wanted to play with the Adam character, but the show really killed my motivation to get anything done. This one was, in part, a response to Claire's inability to come to terms with her powers, and also a look at what (in my mind, at least) RCR really meant. I've had so much fun playing with Adam's character, because it's so hard to pull apart fact from fiction -- man from myth -- with him, and I seldom even think it's necessary.

Quote: On a Thursday afternoon, her arms full of groceries, Claire pushes the apartment door open and steps inside. Adam is sitting on the couch, his legs crossed over the coffee table, idly watching the television. It’s such a strange, twisted vision of domesticity that Claire can’t help but stare. Grimacing slightly, she drops her bags on the floor. “How can you… pretend that everything is normal?”

Adam glances up in mild amusement. “When have I ever done any such thing?”

“Oh, right. I forgot,” Claire replies, a bit more bitterly than is probably warranted. This was, after all, her idea.

“If your aim is to learn how to be normal again,” he says, half of his attention on the television, and yet still far too intuitive, “I’m sorry to say that you’re wasting your time here.”

IV. Of Secrets Unkept(6 Dec) Slayers. HET. Xellos x Filia. PG-13

My first return to an anime fandom in a while, which made getting the voices down... difficult. This is one of those things where I just thought that there was so much going on beneath the surface in the potential pairing -- so much more than just the comedy that it was being played for. For one thing, Xellos in any relationship is pretty damn intriguing, because emotionally, everything about the guy has to be different. I often feel that this is the sort of character that tends to get humanized, and I don't think that does him justice (ironic, since I tend to like to humanize evil characters), since by his very nature he has to be utterly alien. So working on this was difficult at times, and the fact that it was het often meant that it approached places in dysfunctionality (Filia's... resignation, for lack of a better term) that I wasn't fully comfortable with, but were necessary all the same.

Quote: “Xellos,” she begins, her voice uncertain but determined, “do you really want to destroy the world?”

“Of course!” His smile is blinding. “I am a Mazoku, remember?”

It’s rather difficult to forget.

III. My Own Sweet Time (13 Dec) Sandman. SLASH. Cluracan x his Nemesis. PG-13/R

THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN. Written for imasupermuteant, though I'd probably eventually have gotten around to it anyway. Neither is my favourite character in Sandman, but the Faerie are so damn interesting, and Cluracan so entertaining, that this was something I simply needed to do. His extreme narcissism just made it that much more rewarding.

Quote: “My queen, I regret to inform you that…”

The Cluracan breaks off, and his purposeful expression falls away. Titania is not present, and he would count himself fortunate to ever see her again. “I regret to inform you that you have destroyed me,” he mumbles. “Utterly. Completely.”

II. Proof Presented, Proof Received (27 Dec) Death Note. HET. Halle x Mello. PG-13

So... yeah. The most misogynistic story since Naruto, and trust me to be writing het. >_> Okay, so this is my second favourite ship after the Matt/Mello, mostly because it breaks the rules that have been set for every other het ship in Death Note. When I say Halle/Mello instead of Mello/Halle, I mean it. As dangerous and unpredictable a character Mello is, in many ways, he's still one of the weakest in the series. Truth of the matter is that I didn't particularly care for him before the explosion -- he was pretty and amusing, but that was about it -- but afterwards... so brittle and angry (okay, so he'd always been angry) that I couldn't help but love him. Halle is another of my favourites, and while in many ways she's as single-mindedly determined to take out Kira, she also seems so damn strong. Also, the age gap with her being the elder makes me happy. *wanders off to edit this some more*

Quote: She stands up, drops her cup into the kitchen sink, and glances at him over her shoulder. “We’re all on the same side here,” she says, almost gently, and then, because she can’t quite resist – because he looks so painfully young when he isn’t certain of something – she adds, “Perhaps when you grow up, you’ll realize that.”

It was the wrong thing to say. She can see that in the sudden way he tenses – the way his eyes harden and his lips tighten across his teeth. But then he loosens up again, leaning forward in his chair, and she knows that it’s even worse.

“Childish, am I?” He grins up at her like a Cheshire cat, and she realizes she has absolutely no idea what he’s thinking.

I. Another Lovely Lie (31 Dec) Heroes/Firefly. HET. Adam x Saffron. PG-13

Yeah, so it's probably too new to count... the fact that I've been meaning to write it since... October, probably, makes me want to put it up anyway. Because considering how much I hate Heroes these days, it probably shouldn't exist at all. This was in part a piece on identity, because she doesn't really have one, and in my mind, he kind of transcends the idea of identity at all.

Quote: “Who would you like me to be tonight?” she murmurs, her lips hot against his skin. She has no need for a identity of her own when with him. For her, names have ever been fluid, more a convenience than a necessity, and he has gifted her with more than enough.

She has worn so many masks that she no longer knows what – if anything – lies beneath.

Dear Yuletide Writer

2008-11-14T01:48:03Z

First off, thank you for participating, and I'm sorry that this letter is so delayed. ^^;

I know my requests were a little bit vague in places, so hopefully this will clear up any questions you might have. I'm a fan of het, gen, slash, and femmeslash, threesomes, etc. so feel free to write whichsoever you choose.

As for what I like... well, I tend to gravitate towards psychological fic, often prefer dark themes over lighter ones; tragedy, as you can probably tell from my chosen fandoms, is my pet genre. This doesn't mean that I'm not open to lighter material, of course. Beautifully hopeful fic in the face of overwhelming tragedy is another pet pleasure of mine. I don't care for humour nearly as much as some of the more serious genres, but certainly don't feel like you need to write some soul sucking angst (unless you want to, of course - I wouldn't say no). I really just like engaging, thought provoking characterization. On a side note, I'm not quite so enamoured of porn as a lot of people are, unless it's necessary for the story.

All of these points are, of course, negotiable. Don't write something you don't want to. :3

And to the fandoms:

Steven Erikson - A Tale of the Malazan Book of the Fallen. The less known cousin to Wheel of Time and A Song of Ice and Fire, when it comes to modern epic fantasy. If you're not familiar with it, I have to say that it's a slow start, but has enough flashes of brilliance to be well worth it. The characters I requested here were, of course, Anomander Rake, Quick Ben, Shadowthrone, and Cotillion. Any one of them would be wonderful, though most of them can be mixed and matched however you'd like. My top preference would, of course, be anything with Shadowthrone and Cotillion, because their interaction - Shadowthrone's insanity paired with Cotillion's subtle genius - is really irresistible. You could easily throw in one of the others if you'd like. You could also, of course, easily slash them, if you're so inclined.

Planescape Torment. Or in which I give no details. Really, this is something I've read absolutely nothing for, so I'd love to see most anything at all. There are so many philosophical themes in this game, so many intriguing characters, and a such a brilliant setting, that it's hard to pin down all the possibilities. Sigil and the Lady of Pain would, however, be a neat place to start, if you'd like to. :3

J R R Tolkien - The Silmarillion. Maedhros and Maglor. Though, other Fëanorions are fine as well. As is just about the entire House of Finarfin, if you really, really dislike the Fëanorian clan. No incest, please. No Fëanorian maligning (though on the other hand, they're certainly deeply flawed and not simply misunderstood, etc.), please. Either brother, both brothers, half the rest of the extended family as well... Whatever you so desire. I'm fine with Maedhros/Fingon, if that's your thing. Angst would be nice, but sometimes the happy stuff, in light of what's to come, is even more tragic, so whatever you desire.

Sandman. I cannot choose just one thing I'd love to see here. I love the Endless. I love Morpheus pairings (preferably the het ones for him). Morpheus/Thessaly through Nuala's perspective would be wonderful. Anything with Daniel, equally so. Desire shipping is great. Destiny, Death, Despair, or Delirium... not so much. If you want to jump into the shoes of the silent Duma and look at things... go for it. On that note, creepy Duma/Remiel would be fun. I like the Faerie and their games. I love Lucifer. Any of the unwritten Hob Gadling stories... It's your call. :3